Don't bail out the Bonds-man

Ah, here we go. Barry Bonds gets upset over a book saying he used steroids (like that might be news) and now he's questioning his own sanity. Says he wants to jump off the Empire State Building and be done with it.

Here's a better idea, Barry. Forget the Empire State Building and pick the Golden Gate Bridge. After all, it is closer to where you are at and besides, they have bars on top to prevent people like you from doing stupid things.

You're seven homers away from the great Babe Ruth but you're miles away from the class he showed when he was the swatting all those badly made baseballs over the fences without a corked bat. And if you pass Hank Aaron? Well again, you're still miles away from the classiness of Hammering Hank. Sure, you're a great ballplayer. One of the best. But you'll never be the best home run hitter to live no matter what the numbers say.

That honor, we think, goes to Ted Williams who not only swung for the fences but he hit for average, too. And he interrupted his career to donate a little time to the U.S. armed forces during World War II.

In the meantime, please don't jump off the Empire State Building. The streets of New York are a mess as it is.

Order now, if it's already not too late

Having been a NASCAR writer and editor for many years we learned several tricks of the trade. One of those is to get your tickets and hotel rooms way in advance (and it's already too late since this race is just two months away).

The Coca-Cola 600 and The Winston are coming up at Lowe's Motor Speedway and if you don't have 'em yet, get 'em now. Hotels stay booked around the track itself, but if you go up the road to Kannapolis, you might find something decent at a "reasonable" price. You also can stay out by the airport which isn't too far of a drive to the track - it just depends on what time you leave.

We left once at 7 a.m. for a 5 p.m. race and got right in without a care in the world. Another time we left at 9 a.m. for a 1 p.m. race and it was already under way by the time we got there.

As for tickets, what can we say? Check out the LMS Web site and you might get some very useful help. The URL is this: http://www.lowesmotorspeedway.com/

Where are they now?

Has anyone seen or heard of the Great Ali? King of the Rope-A-Dope who stings like a bee? We were wondering and thought why haven't we heard more about him and his ailments lately.

And what about Mike Tyson? Where the heck is he? Sports icons are falling off the map faster than a winter Olympic gold medal (oh my, my...how soon we forget).

The point is we need to know where Mark McGwire went to and why. And we're more than willing to blog about it. In fact, we want to blog about it.

So if you spot any former sports greats out and about email irish@litesports.com and we'll tell the world who you are, where you spotted them, what they were doing and anything else you'd care to share.

As for us, we're looking for Tanya Harding. That's our kind of woman and we want to give her a call to see if she'd like to go out to the Cracker Barrel for dinner.

John Elway's return

I just happened to be in a club on Colorado Boulevard in Denver the other day and guess who I ran into? Yep, John Elway himself (but he asked me not to tell anyone).

At any rate, it seems John is planning a comeback. You heard it right, folks. We're breaking news here. John Elway is going to play quarterback again for the Denver Broncos.

How? Why?

It's simple really. In his words, "I was always known for the fourth-quarter comebacks and now I am entering in what appears to be the start of the fourth-quarter of my life. So I figure why not come back to football and give it one more try."

Give the guy a monster line and you know something, he'd still be better than half the guys calling the snaps nowadays anyway.

Personally, I don't like John Elway very much. That comes from the day his Stanford Cardinals were playing Ohio State. I was covering the game and had a tight deadline so when the Buckeyes were up by 21 points with just minutes left in the fourth quarter, I figured I had enough information and quotes to craft a decent story.

I left the Horseshoe and got on the interstate. Then I tuned into the game just to be sure I got the final details of the event. Sure enough, Elway had already cut the lead to 7 and was on a drive again. I had to turn around, go back and hustle to get the rest of my story. Stanford won that day. I can't recall the score. But I didn't blow my deadline - I called the story in and all was cool.

Even John Elway as he sat there grinning that grin of massive white teeth.

You'll see it again, I tell you. He's coming back. I just know it. He told me himself.

So I sez to Barry Bonds, I sez

Hey, Barry! Nice dress. Did anyone catch the Bondsman in that women's outfit this week. Man, he sure looked hot - if you were a shipwrecked sailor who hadn't seen a human in 40 or 100 years.

But seriously, I called Barry and asked him why he was making fun of Paula Abdul of American Idol Fame. Here's what he had to say ...

Q: Why, Barry? Why? Why? Why?
A: I intend to let it all hang out this baseball season.

Q: Shouldn't you be more worried about the assault on Hank Aaron's record that Paula and her singing career which included one, I think, record?
A: Nah. I am going after Michael Jordan's scoring record. I intend to hit more homers than he scored points.

Q: But that's impossible, Barry. You'd have to live to be 200 years old.
A: And what's wrong with that?

Q: Barry, I am not about to say you took - or are still taking steroids - but you're acting mighty funny this year.
A: Keep it up and I'll kick you out of the American Idol finalists. I can do that, you know.

Um, well, gee, Barry. I am sorry. Please don't get me wrong. You will break that record and you do look hot in that dress.
A: No problem, sugar. Just get ready when I hit No. 10,000.

And that was the end of my phone call this week with Barry Bonds. No, I won't give you his number. He said he was afraid if I published it, too many guys would be calling him up for a date.